thread titled: My Journey From a Homo to a Hetero Life (LONG)
the same in previous threads
[hr]Warning: long, self-indulgent post ahead. But I really wanted to tell *someone* on this planet about my life journey. Not even my wife knows everything I've gone through.
i've lived a really strange life. I think I've always been bisexual, even as I've rotated among any number of sexual labels. In some ways my life journey has been wonderful, in others, not so great. But it's certainly been interesting.
I "came out" as gay in my mid-twenties, when I was involved in a serious M-M relationship. Not out to everyone, but not hiding either. A few years later, I had my "young man in a big city" moment -- sleeping with a fair number of guys and having a few short flings. But I'm going to focus on what happened to me in the latter half of my thirties.
Around 34 or so, I noticed something. I had always been somewhat attracted to women, but I figured these feelings would go away as I accepted my "true" sexuality. Instead, I realized that these feelings were growing stronger.
Over the next couple of years:
-- I found myself strongly attracted to some female friends.
-- I went from being attracted occasionally to some women to feeling almost "girl crazy."
-- I realized almost all the pornography I consumed featured women in some way. Maybe it was straight, maybe it was bi, but if it didn't involve a woman, I wasn't interested.
My interests in men were slackening. I hadn't dated men seriously in a while. I still had some casual sex with men (I got to live out my daddy fantasies, which had secretly always been my hottest desires for men), but not much, given the opportunities where I was living. I engaged in a lot of phone sex and online chat with men, but I increasingly steered the conversations toward women.
I also discovered that there are more "straight-curious" gay guys than you would imagine. I had some interesting conversations with men over those years. But because casual sex with women is harder to find than with men, a lot of those guys were stuck at the level of fantasy and porn. Probably the biggest barrier is that while the homo world is defined by men, the hetero world is defined by both men and women. This makes for some very different expectations, which can be challenging for a homo-socialized man to navigate. I was also, in a very narrow way, a hetero virgin. (I had a college girlfriend with whom I shared some very hot oral sex, mostly by me on her. She did not react well to my disclosing my occasional attractions to men. We never had intercourse, which is just as well given that we were both inexperienced). I was also too old to hang around bars, trying to pick up women for casual sex.
I decided that I had to take the plunge. It was really hard to abandon a gay identity -- it had meant a lot to me. But the label should serve the person, not the person the label. I came out to myself as bi. I was confident that I was doing this for the right reasons. I didn't particularly want kids. I was moving in a gay-friendly world, so it wasn't because I craved social approval. I WANTED TO FUCK WOMEN.
I took some clumsy first steps:
-- I unsuccessfully sought a MMF, with the idea that it would help me gain a little experience and help me decide what I wanted. I didn't get it -- I still want to have it. But I did find myself engaging in erotic chat with women, which really built up my self-confidence. (I particularly have fond memories of one woman in particular. I think of her every now and then).
-- I chatted with a lot of women on-line about my life. Some were horrified by someone like me, but at least a few were open. One bi woman did wonders for my self-confidence when she told me that every bi guy she knows gets plenty of action from women: "Women love bi men. They're like the gay best friend you can sit on"). I've tried to keep that it in mind.
-- I stopped having casual sex with men, just to see what my desires were now. Turns out I had a strong preference for women.
-- I didn't know whether I could handle a relationship with a woman. So I struck up a flirtatious friendship with a single female colleague. We hung out a lot together, and it turned out that I liked it very much. At the end, she confessed to me that she was a closeted bisexual, who was secretly dating a woman. I had found my people! (I was aware of a local group for bisexual women, but there wasn't anything mixed-gender. As is so often the case, I was envious of bi women -- they got to experience their sexuality as something fun).
-- My most serious gay lover had become a dear friend. I had to tell him. I did. That was the end of the friendship. I also threw out all the gay books that he had given me because I knew that seeing them would instantly put the kibosh on any hetero relationship.
Around the time I turned 38, I moved to a new city where no one knew me. I plunged into the world of hetero dating. Per the advice of several people, I pursued Internet dating. Turns out I was good at it! (It helped that I now understood exactly what sort of woman I liked, which was different from what many straight men wanted). It took me about a year to master dating women -- there really are big differences between hetero and homo dating. But I finally lost my hetero virginity in a truly awesome weekend with a woman who was basically a summer fling. I didn't dare tell her that I was a virgin at 39. I did tell her that I never knew how to initiate sex without seeming like a "creepy guy." She told me, "If you were a creepy guy, you wouldn't be here."
I was somewhat confused as to what I should tell women about my life. Sometimes I didn't tell them anything, sometimes I told them on the fourth or fifth date, after they had gotten to know me. Basically, I was learning to closet myself again). I did consciously seek out more sexually open women, figuring they would be more accepting. (They had other advantages as well!) Those women who didn't know about my past often wondered why I was still single at my age. My attempts to make contact with any local bisexual community came to naught. I emailed the gay community center to see if they had any events for bisexuals; I received no response. A lot of the women I dated could be called bi-ish, but while I tried to date bi women on-line, I got the impression that they got all the attention from straight men they could handle. On my favorite dating site, I listed myself as "straight," but I didn't date women who listed themselves as interested in "straight guys only."
A few months and a few women later, I met "Samantha," We hit it off very quickly. We hopped into bed on our third date, and basically didn't get out for another year. Best sex I've ever had. Best relationship I've ever had. We moved in together within a few months, we got engaged within two years, and married a year after that. We are very happy together, and I hope our relationship lasts for the rest of our lives.
"Samantha" knows that I'm bisexual, but we both agree that sex with men is part of my past, but not my present, or perhaps my future. (Maybe if someone wanted to do both of us...) I told her fairly early, and she seemed to take it all right, but I avoid bringing it up. I have teased her that I'm a perfect husband for a "fag hag" (and she is a HUGE "fag hag"). The one time I had an opportunity to see my old lover, she made it clear that it made her VERY uncomfortable, so I dropped the matter.
I could go on at even greater length, but I'll stop now.
the same in previous threads