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The only reason I kept (GL) friends in my vicinity was so that I can have a trigger.

ItWontBeMe

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I needed someone better-looking than me, higher IQ, etc. Only a few fit that bill but it was around those friends that I always wanted to be. They were my motivation to perfect myself. I was nervous, jittery around them, but I needed that and fed off that feeling. Around the uglier ones, it was more of a "yeah, let's just kick back and relax, play video games or something. I don't need to impress you, so whatever" and they were disposable to me. Well, the GL ones were disposable too down the line, but I relished the thought of becoming another person one day (better than them). And I wanted them to be a witness to my ascent, if only momentarily. 

Now I haven't spoken to anyone since 2012 and I feel impervious to triggering. Seeing the success of some random GL people, instagram MMs, etc doesn't quite "hit home" as it does when it's someone closer to you.

I'm such a terrible human being.
 

modified

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I have no idea what the fuck you're talking about. I've always hated having good looking friends. It's not like you can "improve yourself" to become taller, better face, different race, etc.

The factors that make them successful can't be "earned".

Why would you want to be around them and have that rubbed in your face 24/7? Unless you're a decent looking or tall white guy yourself.
 
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modified said:
I have no idea what the fuck you're talking about. I've always hated having good looking friends. It's not like you can "improve yourself" to become taller, better face, different race, etc.

The factors that make them successful can't be "earned".

Why would you want to be around them and have that rubbed in your face 24/7? Unless you're a decent looking or tall white guy yourself.

What is the point of leaving your house if you're sub 7/8? I need to know. I'd rather walk into traffic than to ever have to interact with someone ever again.
 

modified

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IntenseSuffering said:
modified said:
I have no idea what the fuck you're talking about. I've always hated having good looking friends. It's not like you can "improve yourself" to become taller, better face, different race, etc.

The factors that make them successful can't be "earned".

Why would you want to be around them and have that rubbed in your face 24/7? Unless you're a decent looking or tall white guy yourself.

What is the point of leaving your house if you're sub 7/8? I need to know. I'd rather walk into traffic than to ever have to interact with someone ever again.

People treat me pretty well IRL. It's only if I'm hitting on girls that I get treated like dogshit.

Have to leave the house. Staying in would make me kill myself. One foot in front of the other. Keep working. Work towards your goal. Life goes on. Etc.
 

OccamsRazorBurn

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modified said:
I have no idea what the fuck you're talking about. I've always hated having good looking friends. It's not like you can "improve yourself" to become taller, better face, different race, etc.

The factors that make them successful can't be "earned".

Why would you want to be around them and have that rubbed in your face 24/7? Unless you're a decent looking or tall white guy yourself.


See sig.


IntenseSuffering said:
modified said:
I have no idea what the fuck you're talking about. I've always hated having good looking friends. It's not like you can "improve yourself" to become taller, better face, different race, etc.

The factors that make them successful can't be "earned".

Why would you want to be around them and have that rubbed in your face 24/7? Unless you're a decent looking or tall white guy yourself.

What is the point of leaving your house if you're sub 7/8? I need to know. I'd rather walk into traffic than to ever have to interact with someone ever again.


I would be perfectly happy being a recluse indefinitely.
 
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modified said:
IntenseSuffering said:
What is the point of leaving your house if you're sub 7/8? I need to know. I'd rather walk into traffic than to ever have to interact with someone ever again.

People treat me pretty well IRL. It's only if I'm hitting on girls that I get treated like dogshit.

Have to leave the house. Staying in would make me kill myself. One foot in front of the other. Keep working. Work towards your goal. Life goes on. Etc.

Well I simply can't find the motivation to leave my apartment. I can't take getting amogged without having a mini stroke.

Sad thing is, I have the money for surgeries, but I wont bother going in for consults. I hate the fact of showing my subhumanity to plastic surgeons secretaries. Like I feel like they can literally sense how strong my insecurity is that they are laughing at me and pitying me behind the scenes. I actually know they are. 


right now I just looksmaxx from home and have my apartment boarded up so there is no sunlight shining through, causing photoaging.
 

modified

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IntenseSuffering said:
modified said:
People treat me pretty well IRL. It's only if I'm hitting on girls that I get treated like dogshit.

Have to leave the house. Staying in would make me kill myself. One foot in front of the other. Keep working. Work towards your goal. Life goes on. Etc.

Well I simply can't find the motivation to leave my apartment. I can't take getting amogged without having a mini stroke.

Sad thing is, I have the money for surgeries, but I wont bother going in for consults. I hate the fact of showing my subhumanity to plastic surgeons secretaries. Like I feel like they can literally sense how strong my insecurity is that they are laughing at me and pitying me behind the scenes. I actually know they are. 


right now I just looksmaxx from home and have my apartment boarded up so there is no sunlight shining through, causing photoaging.

You sound mentally ill. Why on earth is the opinion of a SECRETARY so important to you it's keeping you in the house? For what it's worth all the surgeons' secretaries I've had to deal with have been ridiculously nice and gentle people.
 
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OccamsRazorBurn said:
modified said:
I have no idea what the fuck you're talking about. I've always hated having good looking friends. It's not like you can "improve yourself" to become taller, better face, different race, etc.

The factors that make them successful can't be "earned".

Why would you want to be around them and have that rubbed in your face 24/7? Unless you're a decent looking or tall white guy yourself.


See sig.


IntenseSuffering said:
What is the point of leaving your house if you're sub 7/8? I need to know. I'd rather walk into traffic than to ever have to interact with someone ever again.


I would be perfectly happy being a recluse indefinitely.




I'm honestly almost there. The only qualms being getting food and the mail. I have been getting my groceries delivered (around 9pm to minimize contact with other people) so I'm very close to cutting off all contact completely. It's very liberating to only have to deal with yourself.
 

OccamsRazorBurn

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IntenseSuffering said:
OccamsRazorBurn said:
See sig.




I would be perfectly happy being a recluse indefinitely.




I'm honestly almost there. The only qualms being getting food and the mail. I have been getting my groceries delivered so I'm very close to cutting off all contact completely. It's very liberating to only have to deal with yourself.




I get a lot of non-perishable things delivered, plus my weekly CSA subscription. I could probably get almost everything I need delivered, but still go to the grocery store occasionally. Between that, & 24hr grocery stores with self checkout, I could easily go months without saying a word to another person.
 
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modified said:
IntenseSuffering said:
Well I simply can't find the motivation to leave my apartment. I can't take getting amogged without having a mini stroke.

Sad thing is, I have the money for surgeries, but I wont bother going in for consults. I hate the fact of showing my subhumanity to plastic surgeons secretaries. Like I feel like they can literally sense how strong my insecurity is that they are laughing at me and pitying me behind the scenes. I actually know they are. 


right now I just looksmaxx from home and have my apartment boarded up so there is no sunlight shining through, causing photoaging.

You sound mentally ill. Why on earth is the opinion of a SECRETARY so important to you it's keeping you in the house? For what it's worth all the surgeons' secretaries I've had to deal with have been ridiculously nice and gentle people.


I couldn't tell you. The last place I went to get a consult I bugged out immediately after I saw from down the hall that the secretary was attractive female in her 20s.

Do you know how inhumane it feels to be in your early 20s and have a secretary who is attractive in her early 20s see you walk in with your subhumanity shining through you like an exploding star? One of the WORST feelings I HAVE EVER HAD.

I lost my breath and had a panic attack knowing that I turned my back half way down the hall and she might have seen me bug out like a typical subhuman.
 

OccamsRazorBurn

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IntenseSuffering said:
modified said:
People treat me pretty well IRL. It's only if I'm hitting on girls that I get treated like dogshit.

Have to leave the house. Staying in would make me kill myself. One foot in front of the other. Keep working. Work towards your goal. Life goes on. Etc.

Well I simply can't find the motivation to leave my apartment. I can't take getting amogged without having a mini stroke.

Sad thing is, I have the money for surgeries, but I wont bother going in for consults. I hate the fact of showing my subhumanity to plastic surgeons secretaries. Like I feel like they can literally sense how strong my insecurity is that they are laughing at me and pitying me behind the scenes. I actually know they are. 


right now I just looksmaxx from home and have my apartment boarded up so there is no sunlight shining through, causing photoaging.


It may be worth doing skype consults with surgeons who offer them. Some can legally offer them with only one irl appointment, & some don't require any in-person appointments in the initial planning phase. One of my specialists is located in LA, & I only had to have one appointment with him IRL before he was able to start doing skype, phone, & email consults, in addition to writing prescriptions & requisition forms for me.
 

ItWontBeMe

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modified said:
I have no idea what the fuck you're talking about. I've always hated having good looking friends. It's not like you can "improve yourself" to become taller, better face, different race, etc.

The factors that make them successful can't be "earned".

Why would you want to be around them and have that rubbed in your face 24/7? Unless you're a decent looking or tall white guy yourself.
This all really began back in high school, and despite not knowing all the ins-and-outs of looks theory, plastic surgery potential, etc (PSL didn't exist back then), I knew surprisingly enough. I described my imperfections more rudimentarily, but vividly enough: I knew I had a bloated face (I described it to my mother as a formless blob with inharmonious features superimposed on top, one time), I described my NW2 (yes, NW2 as a 15 year old) as "two golf ball-shaped bare areas on each side of my temples", and also I'd spend hours in front of the bathroom mirror (holding up another portable mirror) trying to figure out why I have a straight nose from the 3/4th right side, but a witch's nose from the 3/4th left. I also learned to embrace (but later, hate) the fact that many people thought I was ethnic despite being white. 

I describe those because little has changed 10 years later in terms of what ails me, I only use different vocabulary now. As unattainable dream as it might have been, I wanted to become perfect and 1-up those who had done me wrong in the past, friends included. It doesn't matter if the success couldn't have ever been "earned," the illusion is what kept me going and continues to drive me forward... and will eventually lead to that final crash.
 
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OccamsRazorBurn said:
IntenseSuffering said:
I'm honestly almost there. The only qualms being getting food and the mail. I have been getting my groceries delivered so I'm very close to cutting off all contact completely. It's very liberating to only have to deal with yourself.


I get a lot of non-perishable things delivered, plus my weekly CSA subscription. I could probably get almost everything I need delivered, but still go to the grocery store occasionally. Between that, & 24hr grocery stores with self checkout, I could easily go months without saying a word to another person.

Unfortunately, my main food source is perishable. I need raw and fresh fruits and vegetables to maintain some sort of balance in the midst of my extreme isolation. So I have to restock every 3 days, but I limit the contact with the person who delivers the food to about 1 minute.

 
The only 24hr farmers market that was self checkout unfortunately closed recently. I was using their self checkout system with ease. I honestly loved going in their and have the whole store to myself. In essence giving me time to get everything I need without panicking or having anxiety.

I used to go to go get my food myself a while back; every single time I had to leave before getting even half of the stuff I needed becausee I simply could not take being under so much anxiety and stress to properly navigate myself around the store.


OccamsRazorBurn said:
IntenseSuffering said:
Well I simply can't find the motivation to leave my apartment. I can't take getting amogged without having a mini stroke.

Sad thing is, I have the money for surgeries, but I wont bother going in for consults. I hate the fact of showing my subhumanity to plastic surgeons secretaries. Like I feel like they can literally sense how strong my insecurity is that they are laughing at me and pitying me behind the scenes. I actually know they are. 


right now I just looksmaxx from home and have my apartment boarded up so there is no sunlight shining through, causing photoaging.


It may be worth doing skype consults with surgeons who offer them. Some can legally offer them with only one irl appointment, & some don't require any in-person appointments in the initial planning phase. One of my specialists is located in LA, & I only had to have one appointment with him IRL before he was able to start doing skype, phone, & email consults, in addition to writing prescriptions & requisition forms for me.

I actually sent a few surgeons pictures a few weeks ago and got their opinions. One in particular does want to skype with me. I havent replied back to his email yet. I guess camming up and facing the harsh reality is something I keep pushing off to another day. I need to get things in motion.


ItWontBeMe said:
modified said:
I have no idea what the fuck you're talking about. I've always hated having good looking friends. It's not like you can "improve yourself" to become taller, better face, different race, etc.

The factors that make them successful can't be "earned".

Why would you want to be around them and have that rubbed in your face 24/7? Unless you're a decent looking or tall white guy yourself.
This all really began back in high school, and despite not knowing all the ins-and-outs of looks theory, plastic surgery potential, etc (PSL didn't exist back then), I knew surprisingly enough. I described my imperfections more rudimentarily, but vividly enough: I knew I had a bloated face (I described it to my mother as a formless blob with inharmonious features superimposed on top, one time), I described my NW2 (yes, NW2 as a 15 year old) as "two golf ball-shaped bare areas on each side of my temples", and also I'd spend hours in front of the bathroom mirror (holding up another portable mirror) trying to figure out why I have a straight nose from the 3/4th right side, but a witch's nose from the 3/4th left. I also learned to embrace (but later, hate) the fact that many people thought I was ethnic despite being white. 

I describe those because little has changed 10 years later in terms of what ails me, I only use different vocabulary now. As unattainable dream as it might have been, I wanted to become perfect and 1-up those who had done me wrong in the past, friends included. It doesn't matter if the success couldn't have ever been "earned," the illusion is what kept me going and continues to drive me forward... and will eventually lead to that final crash.

That honestly sounds just like me. This has plagued me for over a decade. :crying:
 

KingOfCod420

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IntenseSuffering said:
OccamsRazorBurn said:
I get a lot of non-perishable things delivered, plus my weekly CSA subscription. I could probably get almost everything I need delivered, but still go to the grocery store occasionally. Between that, & 24hr grocery stores with self checkout, I could easily go months without saying a word to another person.

Unfortunately, my main food source is perishable. I need raw and fresh fruits and vegetables to maintain some sort of balance in the midst of my extreme isolation. So I have to restock every 3 days, but I limit the contact with the person who delivers the food to about 1 minute.

 
The only 24hr farmers market that was self checkout unfortunately closed recently. I was using their self checkout system with ease. I honestly loved going in their and have the whole store to myself. In essence giving me time to get everything I need without panicking or having anxiety.

I used to go to go get my food myself a while back; every single time I had to leave before getting even half of the stuff I needed becausee I simply could not take being under so much anxiety and stress to properly navigate myself around the store.


OccamsRazorBurn said:
It may be worth doing skype consults with surgeons who offer them. Some can legally offer them with only one irl appointment, & some don't require any in-person appointments in the initial planning phase. One of my specialists is located in LA, & I only had to have one appointment with him IRL before he was able to start doing skype, phone, & email consults, in addition to writing prescriptions & requisition forms for me.

I actually sent a few surgeons pictures a few weeks ago and got their opinions. One in particular does want to skype with me. I havent replied back to his email yet. I guess camming up and facing the harsh reality is something I keep pushing off to another day. I need to get things in motion.


ItWontBeMe said:
This all really began back in high school, and despite not knowing all the ins-and-outs of looks theory, plastic surgery potential, etc (PSL didn't exist back then), I knew surprisingly enough. I described my imperfections more rudimentarily, but vividly enough: I knew I had a bloated face (I described it to my mother as a formless blob with inharmonious features superimposed on top, one time), I described my NW2 (yes, NW2 as a 15 year old) as "two golf ball-shaped bare areas on each side of my temples", and also I'd spend hours in front of the bathroom mirror (holding up another portable mirror) trying to figure out why I have a straight nose from the 3/4th right side, but a witch's nose from the 3/4th left. I also learned to embrace (but later, hate) the fact that many people thought I was ethnic despite being white. 

I describe those because little has changed 10 years later in terms of what ails me, I only use different vocabulary now. As unattainable dream as it might have been, I wanted to become perfect and 1-up those who had done me wrong in the past, friends included. It doesn't matter if the success couldn't have ever been "earned," the illusion is what kept me going and continues to drive me forward... and will eventually lead to that final crash.

That honestly sounds just like me. This has plagued me for over a decade. :crying:



lol you   sound just like me bra. i don't even want to talk to people until i finish lookmaxing
 

Foxx

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I think this is cool and a good idea. I might start doing this and leave this place once and for all
 

smellysocks

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But it's pointless. You can't become taller, smarter or better looking anyways - all the stuff that matters. Self improvement is a complete delusion for the most part.
 
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