thread titled: Married man with crush on best friend who is throwing him signals
I guess I should say that I am a bisexual male who is happily married to a woman with two wonderful preschool aged twins. I really only recently even came to terms with my own bisexuality, and my wife was really understanding of it. A little background, we were both raised and married mormon and left the church together because of its views on homosexuality. My wife had a gay brother who died of AIDS during that era and still keeps in touch with his partner so it would be hard to ask to be married to someone more empathetic to the LGBT community. In this way I'm lucky, but also her dad left her family for another woman when she was young and she has what you may think of as abandonment issues from that. This is where her more mature views on sexuality become a bit of a disadvantage. She knows that love is love and because of the abandonment issues my sexuality threatens her. I have a big crush on a boy that she knows about, and she knows I'm not interested in sneaking around, but it still threatens her and what's more I'm not sure if this boy is straight or bi and I wouldn't know how to find out even if she gave me her blessing.
He's a good friend of both of ours. So much so that our kids refer to him as their uncle. We met racing for the same cycling team in college. We made fast friends at training camp and became known on the team for being close for the rest of my time in school. The night of our first race half the team was packed in a hotel room together and he had his shirt off. People caught me kind of gawking at him, but I was married, mormon, and didn't fully understand my own sexuality at the time (it's funny, I just convinced myself that I was admiring his "athletic physique") so we all passed it off as a big homoerotic joke. They all would have been very accepting: we had two lesbian girls on the women's team and one of the biggest loudmouths on the men's team had a lesbian sister and absolutely no tolerance for homophobes. Homoerotic humor was very common on our team and it was easy to pass off any freudian slip, but a lot of the jokes did kind of center around us. People on the team would refer to us as a couple although neither of us seemed bothered by it and no one ever said it insultingly. We never did anything intimate or necessarily suggestive, but it was just clear that we were very close. We went to the gym together to lift in the offseason, we would go on training rides together and then he would eat at my apartment afterward, we went out of our way to help each other in the races more than anyone else and hung out all the time outside of the sport. Even my wife would refer to him affectionately as "my boyfriend." Remember, this is before either of us really understood my sexuality completely.
We left the mormon church about the time I finished school and about a year later my wife lost her clientele for her private business. My career hadn't gotten very far yet so we lost everything and had to move three hours away. He was one of the only real friends we had through the whole process. Neither of our families were all that sympathetic and he was always there. He was a listener, and a helper, and a real friend to both of us. Shortly after we got established in our new place I started having wet dreams having oral sex with him and I found it really really exciting. It was confusing because I had never thought about myself this way. I thought it was like some subconscious manifestation of how much I appreciated how good he had been to my family, but it was also really erotic.
This was the first time I really stopped to wonder if I was bi. I had always been sure I was into women, so it was easy to ignore any gay urges and this was more than encouraged growing up mormon. In fact my wife and I even have a great sexual chemistry and life, but I couldn't stop thinking about gay sex and specifically with this friend. I started looking at gay porn to find out more. I realized quickly that I was a bit pickier in taste than I was with women, but most definitely had a gay side. I told my wife. All she said was "as long as you don't cheat on me." That about sums up her side: abandonment issues, but not a homophobic bone in her body.
I spent a lot of time after this just trying to understand my orientation, but I didn't forget those dreams. If anything they made me more and more curious about my friend. He came down for a visit over Thanksgiving and was fantastic with my kids (as usual) and wore these pants that just made me want a chastity belt. My wife had a great time too, but she could tell I was bothered. It's an awkward situation. He came down just a few weeks ago for a visit too and It was much the same. He left some clothes here too and I washed them and said I just being nice but the truth is the way they smelled drove me nuts.
Clearly I'm smitten, but I have no idea whether he has any gay side. He will discuss sex with me, but he seems distinctly less crass than most other guys. Like he told me about a girl that wanted him to choke her while he was doing her and he said it just "didn't make him feel close to her." He has a lot of friends who are girls that he isn't sexually involved with, but I know he gets sexually involved with girls I guess is how to put it. He still makes a lot of homoerotic jokes with me, but pushes them pretty far. He calls me baby, texts me to ask what I'm wearing, tells me he loves me. Sometimes that even sounds real. I remember once we had been playing phone tag and I left a message that sounded a bit annoyed and when he finally got ahold of me the first thing he said was "Do you still love me?" and he sounded genuinely concerned. I remember I wanted to gasp and say "I do and I wish you were here so I could touch you." but it came out "of course, dude!" One time our he jokingly called me faggot and then stopped and apologized a lot and said he hated that word and it made him feel dirty and he was really sorry, even though we have never discussed sexuality at all.
We never really get touchy past goodbye and hello hugs, which are often a longer and more intimate hug that the typical bromantic pat on the back. The last time he came to visit he had borrowed a pair of my pajama pants and we were standing on my back patio drinking coffee and watching my kids play in the courtyard and he said "If someone walked in and didn't know us it would look like we were a really cute gay couple with matching pants watching their kids." Even my wife thought that was cute.
He stays up late to talk to me all the time and we even facetime occasionally, and he usually makes a lot of eye contact with me. Once while facetiming I showed him a pill that had been prescribed to me just to show off how big it was and he opened his mouth and made a stroking motion with his hand and said "you just have to open wide like you're taking a big load." The thing that really got me thinking is that once I was texting him homoerotic jokes like .hard. .throbbing. etc as single texts (just as out-of-the-blue infantile humor) and he texted me back that he had jerked off because my texts made him think I was in the act and it turned him on. He also jerked off once when we were on the phone and once when we were facetiming. It was all out of view and no erotic sounds made. Just passed off as "it's getting late and I'm going to bed right after this and I always rub one out right before I sleep." God it sounds obvious now that I'm writing it.
Here's where it get's complicated. My wife has all the concerns I stated earlier, but recently she told me she is interested in having a threesome. I got really excited and knew immediately who I would want to invite. I kept it in my head though, and we mostly discussed what kind of boundaries and expectations we would have for that. We weren't pursuing anything as a couple; it was just an idea. I spent a couple weeks thinking of how I would ask him. I was less interested in how I would invite him into a threesome (which would be pretty easy we're obviously comfortable with each other) than I was in how I would invite him into a bisexual threesome when I have a huge throbbing crush on him, no idea what his sexuality is, and have never had a gay experience before.
I kept reviewing the evidence (as I stated in the previous paragraph) and felt more and more confident. I was almost ready to approach him when I brought the idea up with my wife. I guess I should have done it before all that effort because she wasn't keen on it. She actually finds him pretty unattractive, which I don't understand, but she had mentioned it a while ago and I knew she wasn't making that up. Also, he is firmly in the "just friends" category for her and she thinks a threesome would make everything weird. This could be entirely honest or a cover for insecurities. I'm not sure. Either way the biggest bummer is she said "and I don't want this to just turn into an excuse for you to go f*** him whenever." Which is kind of what I was hoping for I guess. I have no intention to leave or even cheat on my wife, and I am confident that all three of us are mostly heterosexual, so I have no expectation of this being serious, but I really just hoped we could have each other to experiment with for a while. I'm still good friends with even girls I had flings with as a teenager so I don't see it getting weird, and maybe it's selfish, but my wife can only satisfy so much of my gay side (I mean I'm on for pegging and it's its own kind of hot, but still not the real thing.)
To sum it up I have two problems:
How do I get my open-minded, but insecure wife to trust me?
How do I find out if my very good straight friend is actually bi, likes me, and is throwing me signals without introducing a huge amount of awkwardness into our friendship?