- Aug 14, 2018
Too bad the site has been off for some quite time now. There were couple of threads dedicated to the site on here back in 2017 or so. It's still accessible via archive.org, so you should check it, it's straightforward, no bs. Great site.
Examining the lives of loner adults who have given up on putting effort into making friends and finding partners/relationships
After being rejected socially for years, loners will often quit trying to talk to people and no longer seek friendships and relationships. The pain associated with being unwanted, combined with the years of wasted effort that have been invested in trying to make friends and gain relationships often leads to them concluding that trying is not worth it anymore. They have invited people, asked about plans, texted people with no reply, had people flake on them and waste their time so often and so consistently that they essentially say “the hell with it”. Women are tired of hot guys disappearing after sex and men are tired of putting effort into people and getting nothing in return
How does a loner’s behavior and looks change after they have given up?
Loners (both men and women) will typically stop caring about their appearance. They no longer bother trying to dress nice and instead dress comfy. They may also not put effort into personal grooming. The biggest factor is weight gain. If there is no social benefit to be derived from controlling their eating and spending money on their appearance, then why restrict oneselvelf for nothing? No matter how hard they try the result is the same: rejection, loneliness, and wasted effort.
Along with the weight gain and physical appearance changes, the loner’s personality will often change for the worse. They become bitter and more selfish. They will be less likely to feel empathy for other people. They also will grow more paranoid of other people – sometimes even thinking that someone or some authority (police) are out to get them. Some will begin to gain a paranoia over potential health problems, being a victim or a crime, or other fears.
As the loner gives up, and as their appearance and personality go downhill, they will sometimes look to professionals for help. Often medication such as antidepressants are prescribed to help deal with the isolation in their lives. In 2014, drugs like Wellbutrin, Lexapro/Cipralex are being prescribed more and more often to chemically replace the happiness missing from social interaction.
Defensiveness in the attitudes of adult loners with no friends
Loners not only project bitterness towards other people, they also, as a defense mechanism to being perceived as a failure, be the first people to declare how happy, successful, or well off they are. This bragging not only comes across as unusual (and pathetic) to normal people, it is normally seen as an indicator of weakness. People who are happy with their lives don’t have to go out of their way to try to tell people – they are too busy being happy.
Trying to overcompensate for what their lives are lacking not only signals to the world that the person is an obvious weak minded loser, it also makes the person even more unlikable. This becomes another part of the cycle as the person grows fatter, more bitter, more annoying, and less likable.
Does being a loner and facing constant rejection lead to mental illness?
Depression and anxiety that accompanies being alone and rejected are mental illnesses. A person’s mental state may continue to spiral downward as they age. Many homeless people who have developed severe mental illnesses started with simply being a rejected loner. For these people, their lives become worse over time. This is why it is important for a loner to do everything they can to change their lives and develop a social life before it is too late.
Isolation that results from a culture that is afraid of strangers and only accepts new friends who are referred through social circles and other known parties
People in the US are very polite and friendly to strangers on the surface or in trivial ways. They will hold doors open for each other, say thank you, and are generally quite polite. The friendliness towards strangers goes only so far as common courtesy however because when it comes to forming a relationship or a friendship with a stranger people are very guarded.
In America, the only acceptable way to meet someone is through a social circle, existing friends, or perhaps through school or in the workplace. Any other way of meeting someone is generally frowned upon.
Random, creepy, weird etc. tags being applied to strangers
To actually socialize beyond small talk, or try to form a relationship with a stranger is a social taboo in America. It is considered to be breaking a social norm and often will result in the person being shunned and rejected if not done properly. Factors such as the age and attractiveness of the person attempting to be social with a stranger in public to the stranger will also determine the likeliness of success. A good looking male model type guy who approaches a female stranger is seen as confident and sexy, while a fat bald guy who does the same thing would be labeled a creepy loser.
A lonely society that shuns social interaction by people wanting to meet others, how is that possible?
It is possible because most people are not lonely. Most people have friends and family that they interact with regularly. For these people, it is not a problem. They don’t need anyone new in their lives and do not want to socialize with strangers.
While most people have social lives, friends, and relationships, there are millions who don’t. Approximately 20% of the adult population have no friends or family who they socialize with regularly. For these people, the “trust and deal with only people you know” type culture of America is absolutely devastating. It takes friends and connections to make friends. Some will try, often in vain, to join yoga classes and partake in group activities to build relationships but often these attempts go nowhere. They are seemingly forever alone in a society where everyone else is interconnected and having a good time.
When it comes to socializing and making friends, you are either on the inside or the outside. It is an all or nothing type of social atmosphere throughout America (and Canada, UK, Australia).
Indicators of Social Rejection
Adults who are socially rejected tend to have similar experiences in dealing with people. They frequently put effort into other people and receive little or no effort in return.
This lack of effort and interest from other people typically manifests itself in several ways, most frequently:
These are signs people aren't interested in you
- People almost never text or initiate conversations first
- People take a long time to reply to your texts or messages
- You are rarely invited anywhere
- In group conversations people tend to focus on other people and not you (almost as if you aren't even there)
- People don't reply to your text messages, or replies are short and lack enthusiasm
- Your comments in social groups tend to go unnoticed or are not responded to
- People you communicate with always seem to be preoccupied, busy, or have other things going on
- Nobody ever has time for you or includes you in plans on Friday and Saturday nights
If you can relate to some or all of the above factors, it's an indication that people are not responding to your favorably socially. They are showing little or no interest in talking to you, or developing relationships with you. This is a warning sign that something is off. It may be the result of your appearance, personality, or behavior.
What to do if you are consistently rejected socially
As a loner, it is very tough to experience social rejection. Since it is natural to want to fit in and be accepted, consistent rejection will damage a person's self confidence and self esteem. Many demoralized losers slowly stop trying because they wish to avoid the pain of rejection. This leads to further social isolation and feelings of loneliness for these adults.
Those who don't fit in tend to be rejected the most
The first thing you should do if you want to fit in and be liked/accepted is closely examine how you are presenting yourself to other people. Ideally, you want to make sure there's nothing that makes you stand out. While standing out may lead people to believe you are an interesting person, it won't make them want to be your friend.
People will be most likely to befriend, like and accept you if they perceive you to be similar to them in regards to three main areas:
Giving off an impression that one of these factors is "off" will likely lead to social rejection. You have to go out of your way to demonstrate similarities in order to prevent people from simply writing you off socially.
- personal appearance, hygiene and dress
- behavior and personality
- interests, values, and beliefs
Why socially isolated loners often brag about their IQ scores
There is a definite correlation between being a social reject and talking (and often lying about) about having a high IQ. While normal people regularly obtain personal satisfaction through social friendships, romantic partners, and going out/having fun, those who are unwanted as friends and romantic partners, lack this source of validation and make assertions of intellectual superiority as a way of compensating for that.
Do socially isolated adults actually have higher IQs?
Some may, but most do not. In fact, most of the people who say they have a “high IQ” are quite average in terms of their ability to perform on an IQ test. Why do so many people lie about their IQ? They lie because it is the easiest way to get some relief for feeling like they have nothing that makes them special.
Socially rejected adults are often so perverse in their thinking that they think a high IQ score is something that normal people think/care about. Loners love the concept of “high IQ” because it is an innate trait that some people are born with and others are not. Of course, there is limited interest in IQ by the vast majority of society who care more about other innate traits such as good looks. Most normal people care about what they are going to do on the weekend or drama associated with their social lives, not IQ scores.
Referencing a (real or false) high IQ score let’s everyone know you are a loser who is desperate to feel special
Well adjusted people feel a sense of empathy for those who declare to have high IQs because they know these people are likely:
This type of boasting doesn't always present itself in the form of a "high IQ". Loners will also frequently hint at or declare their supposed smarts by making other common assertions, such as:
- Trying to compensate for years of rejection and social isolation
- Have nothing to feel good about and lack self esteem
- Are probably of relatively average intelligence and lacking in other areas of intellectual capacity (social skills, athletic ability, etc.)
- Often lack other innate, more important characteristics such as good looks.
All of these are similar to high IQ declarations because they indicate an innate intellectual superiority.
- That they knowing how to speak multiple languages
- That they have a superior ability to play intellectual games (card and numbers games)
- That they are a stock market or forex trading genius
- That they have excellent abilities in the sciences and mathematics
Socially rejected people are desperate to have others look at them and think they are special. Please note that often a high intelligence claim is also accompanied by a false assertion that they are a person who is wealthy or rich financially.
Loners have to hide that they have no social life
Part of the problem for friendless losers is that they find themselves having to hide their lack of a social life from the world. Nobody wants to be friends with someone who has no friends. The whole thing becomes a big game of hiding and pretending.
Need Friends to make friends
In the financial world, it normally takes capital or a really good idea to be successful. In the social world, it takes friends to make friends. Or, at the very least, having an existing social circle will make things a lot easier for you.
People with friends have instant credibility for new potential friends and contacts. A person who is accepted by others appears acceptable. If you are by yourself, it is much harder to find that likability and acceptance.
Having friends already also makes it much easier because you will be around other people more. When you're consistently at parties, events, and other gatherings you're chances will increase because of simple proximity.
If you've got no friends at all, it's hard to make new ones
What this all means is that if you are part of the unfortunately class of people with no local friends whatsoever, it's going to be the most difficult for you to get started. To go back to the business analogy, most new businesses fail and it's very difficult to launch a successful business from nothing.
A lot of people find themselves in situations of having no friends because they've recently moved to a new city, school, or are suffering from from years of an accumulated lack of social interaction. These people face the greatest challenges because they lack the existing connections that increase the number of people they meet and provide evidence of their social value.
While being in a situation of having no friends is difficult, it is not impossible or particularly rare. It is common for people to find themselves in new environments where they are alone. In fact, there is also a certain degree of acceptance given to people who are "new in town" and alone. It's understood that since you are new you don't have any friends. There is thus a window of opportunity that comes with being new in town.
This window of opportunity, however, does not last forever. It you've lived in your city for a number of years and it still have failed to make friends or formed new relationships people may see you as a social outcast.
The solution is to lie and pretend that you have a social life
If you're not "new in town" and are still a loser, you're going to have to lie to some degree about your social life. Tell stories about friends that don't exist and fun times you never had. A phrase that is frequently given in movies and sales job presentations is: "act as if." You need to fake it until you make it. As a loser, you need to fake having friends in order to establish friendships.
If you think being dishonest is something to be ashamed of, it's not. In the social world people lie all the time. They lie about what they're doing. They lie about being busy. Make no mistake: people always lie about their social lives. If you're a social outcast, the first step to breaking in and being successful is learning how to lie about your current situation.